A list of 66 things Trooper Hardcase is no longer allowed to do in the Grand Army of the Republic
1. Perform any action preceded by the words “Hey, watch this!”
2. Address Captain Rex as “Mom,” no matter how much it makes Commander Tano laugh.
3. Ignite thermite in the toilets, even if it’s “for science.”
4. If it makes ARC Trooper Fives giggle for more than 30 seconds, Trooper Hardcase is not allowed to do it.
5. Play “Meet Your Maker” on the loudspeaker when Chancellor Palpatine arrives to inspect the troops.
6. Play “Four-Faced Lola” on the loudspeaker when Senator Orn Free Taa tours the Resolute on a goodwill visit.
7. Play any music for the arrival of any dignitary.
8. Call his rotary blaster the “missile of love.”
9. Ask Captain Rex where babies come from.
10. Ask General Skywalker where babies come from.
11. Speak to Commander Tano. At all.
12. Take newly-requisitioned LAAT/is out on unsanctioned flights to “pop their cherry.”
13. When operating any military vehicle, Trooper Hardcase may not attempt something he “saw in a holovid.”
14. The proper way to report to a commanding officer is “CT Hardcase, reporting as ordered, Sir,” not “You can’t prove a thing!”
15. Speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks him.
16. “Nude” is not an acceptable uniform for morning formation.
17. Switch Captain Rex’s tactical blacks for an adult onesie “because he looked cold.”
18. Touch Captain Rex’s personal effects for any reason.
19. The end of the galaxy in a supermassive black hole is an acceptable time to touch Captain Rex’s personal effects. There is no other acceptable time.
20. The words “yippee,” “'like a sway-backed eopie,” “moist,” “it makes its own gravy,” “'rectory,” and “what could possibly go wrong” are no longer allowed on comms during missions.
21. Tattoo anything on his face that makes Commander Cody visibly react.
22. Pretend to be a Mandalorian crusader while on duty.
23. Trooper Hardcase is not God’s gift to sentient sexual beings.
24. Whispering “Good soldiers follow orders” into Sergeant Dogma’s ear when he is asleep, for the express purpose of goading him into a mental breakdown.
25. No one is allowed to whisper any words into Sergeant Dogma’s ears for any purpose, express or otherwise, while he is sleeping.
26. “The Force told me to” is not an adequate excuse for stealing the 104th’s entire supply of toilet paper.
27. Unless he is vomiting, bleeding, unconscious, or dead, Trooper Hardcase is not permitted in the medbay.
28. Attempt waking an ARC trooper by hitting them over the head with a sack of droid shrapnel.
29. Have a sack of droid shrapnel.
30. Steal, borrow, or “sacrifice his boyish charms” to obtain, or to keep, an illicit sack of droid shrapnel.
31. Refer to his “boyish charms.”
32.Teach other soldiers to say offensive and/or crude things in Shyriiwook, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
33. Glue safety cones to helmet and claim to be Togruta.
34. Trooper Hardcase is not The Chosen One.
35. Requisition 500L of dinko mating pheromones, as it is “definitely not to douse the 212th” and therefore has no purpose aboard ship.
36. Defect to the Separatist cause.
37. Let protocol droids take command of his post.
38. “Inspect the ‘fresher” for new recruits to ensure that the temperature labels are correct, and then switch them himself.
39. Trade candy for a lightsaber.
40. Trade a lightsaber for candy.
41. Trade Jesse to the Zygerrian ambassador for candy.
42. Trade his DC-15A for any of the following: glitteryll cigs, booze, sexual favors, droidekas, buzz droids, small children, bootleg holos, or candy.
43. Obtain small children for any reason.
44. Do anything he saw General Skywalker do that one time.
45. “I thought General Skywalker would approve” does not excuse any act resulting in Republic property damage. Even if General Skywalker does approve.
46. All EVAs are to be logged in advance with ATC. The Resolute conning towers are off-limits for use as rock climbing practice. Mimicking vulture droid energy torpedoes is not an approved landing pattern. “I was bored” is not a suitable explanation for any of the above.
47. Det cord is not an acceptable substitute for paracord.
48. Cod armor is to be worn at all times with the full set of Phase II armor kit, no matter how badly “a breeze ‘round the gett’se” is needed.
49. The revolution is not now.
50. Being on “Coruscant time” is not an acceptable excuse for being late to briefings.
51. Trooper Hardcase is to limit himself to one and only one blaster-related sexual innuendo per day.
52. He is not permitted to make any lightsaber innuendos.
53. Absolutely in no way ever is Trooper Hardcase permitted to assist, manage, or clean after KP.
54. Change the wording on 104th battalion LAAT/i nose art to “Plo’s Hos.”
55. During inter-company bolo ball tournaments, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
56. Trooper Hardcase is not a bounty hunter and may not tell civilians he is.
57. Blame General Skywalker’s flying when complicit in a shuttle crash.
58. Blame General Kenobi’s flying for any reason.
59. The proper response to a lawful order by the commander of the 104th is not “Woof woof, sir!”
60. Let himself get shot on purpose in order to enter medbay.
61. It is unacceptable behavior to decicred the deck officer’s door.
62. Ysalamiri do not make good battalion mascots. Anyone who persists in asking will be put on report.
63. Assist the ordnance team in the disarmament of missiles.
64. Access inflatable life rafts near the ordnance team.
65. Inform new recruits of the “proper” way to address Jedi.
66. Impersonate General Skywalker to enact the contingency orders.
I picked some favourites! X’D May it bring you as much joy and hilarity as it did me while I was trying to draw it!
donnajosh